Self Love Through Veganism

A Little Background History

I used to think that you had to weigh a certain amount before you were allowed to acknowledge that you had an eating disorder. Most of the time, the weight I strove for was unattainable, so I never really acknowledged that there was an issue at all. I could never follow through with just NOT EATING, to me, I was even failing at having an eating disorder. When I lost weight, it wasn't enough, and when I gained weight, it was the end of the world. Even so, I still never had an eating disorder. I was failing at starving myself so I just binged for the times that I couldn't exert self-control. But I didn't have an eating disorder. I was obsessed with diet pills since the eighth grade, putting different shakes in my water bottles, taking pills before meals. But I still didn't have an eating disorder. Why? Because in my eyes, I never actually was skinny. I was obsessed with restricting my food. Counting calories. I would have fits of rage where I resented my body so much for how it looked. I mistook self-love for self-obsession, partly because we live in a world that shames people for being confident deeming them as "cocky", but also hating that other women could feel confident and I couldn't. I could never acknowledge that something was wrong because I felt ashamed. To this day, I feel embarrassed talking about an eating disorder because I feel like people in the back of their heads will say, "She was never even that skinny." As of late, I've learned to listen to these negative thoughts in my mind, acknowledge them as untrue and negative, and then let them go. Eating disorders have nothing to do with how you look or what you weigh, they are the constant internal battle of your mind against your body and there's never a winner. So, how did I get to where I am now, and how does veganism fit into it all?

Transitioning into veganism

I didn't know what veganism would do for me. In the beginning, I was just trying to take it one day at a time without making any mistakes. I transitioned from vegetarian to vegan not for any other reason than for morals. I figured if I was vegetarian for the animals, why was I neglecting the dairy and egg industry? What started as morals, turned into health consciousness as I learned more. Everyone was always talking about PROTEIN, so I started doing research on how much protein I needed and how to get complete proteins. Protein knowledge then spiraled into more research about food in general, and the meat industry and what actually is in meat. I loved learning about the health benefits of foods I never heard of before; Acai, quinoa, hemp seeds, chia seeds, etc. Food shopping became one of my favorite things to do. Looking up fun recipes, cooking with friends and family, teaching them about the benefits of veganism for your health. And then one day I realized, I haven't weighed myself in a while... and I don't want to. I realized that I wasn't counting calories anymore. I wasn't looking at the nutritional facts as much anymore but looking at the ingredients instead. Are these whole ingredients? Is it vegan? Are these ingredients that I'm familiar with and can benefit me? It wasn't so much anymore about what I looked like, but how my body felt. Veganism facilitated a love for food. I wasn't punishing myself anymore. I was rejoicing for how much care and love I was putting into keeping my body healthy. There was a moment where I felt guilty. Guilty for being happy. Guilty for "not caring about how I looked" anymore. But that wasn't the case, my cares just changed. I just gave up. I gave up on taking my anger out on my body. Looking back, it actually upsets me thinking about all the times I've wrongly treated my body and yet, all it has ever done for me, was house my soul. I've hurt my body, I've neglected my body, I've taken my frustration out on my body, and over and over again, it was there, strong and ready to persevere. Veganism to me is my way of thanking my body. Showing my body that I have love and respect for the powerful entity that it is.

What my self-love has evolved to

I have a lot to say about self-love because I know what it is like to have none. I used to look at my body separate from myself; it made it easier to blame my body for everything that wasn't going right in my life. How do I feel now? I don't wake up every morning with a "You are beautiful" mantra, self-love kind of just happened. I say self-love, but what I really mean is there isn't self hate anymore. I think the most important thing for me was acknowledging that having a bad day, doesn't define how I feel about myself. I can look in the mirror and not LOVE what I see, but it doesn't crush me anymore. It's my body, I feed myself pure food, I practice yoga religiously, and I’m doing my best. Maybe today I don't look my best, but I feel my best. My thoughts today do not define me.

A huge step was acknowledging that my "dream" body was just not in the cards for my natural disposition. When I was eating my absolute best and NOT STARVING myself, I wasn't the weight I wished I would be. It took me a while to say, this is where my body wants to be. When I am healthy, this is what my body looks like. It's not a double zero. I would have to starve for me to fit into a double zero. That's not sustainable. I started working on the best version of myself that came naturally. It was really hard and wasn't a thought process that came overnight but it changed my entire outlook. I wasn't striving for this "dream body" anymore. I was working on MY best self.

Another HUGE THING for me. I let go of the idea that my bodies self worth is based off of it's sexual appeal. How did I do that? I redefined what sexy meant to me. When I was trying to fit into this "sexy" mold of what I thought other people were attracted to, I found myself always failing in my mind. Instead, I went through my day and took note of times where I FELT sexy. Having sexual appeal is about someone else, feeling sexy is ALL ABOUT YOU. I feel most sexy when I'm doing yoga by myself. I feel sexier in underwear than thongs. I feel sexier after a sweaty workout than when my hair and makeup are done. Why? I don't know. But I feel so much better when I live to make myself feel good. Sometimes you have to quiet your predisposed thoughts, and listen to your body, which isn't easy.

ONE LAST THING. And this means a lot to me. I've gotten from people, "Well, easy for you to promote self love when you look like that" or "I'm sure I'd feel self love if I had a body like that too" in a sarcastic way. No. It wasn't easy. I had to go through hell and back to find peace with myself and it is not up to you to take that away from me or anyone else by assuming self love comes easy because you perceive someone else's body as "right". It's rude. You don't get to deem who can experience insecurities and who can't.

Ending on a positive note: self-love is possible. It's not a straight road but it is attainable. I was at war with my body and blamed food. Veganism brought me a love and appreciation for my body to me that I had never experienced before and for that I am thankful.